The Dangers Of Toxic Masculinity

In my young(er) adult life I remember many instances where I couldn’t wrap my mind around how two people can have polar opposite reactions and perceptions of the same experience. This increasing curiosity led to extensive research about why one person can bottle up while another explodes with emotion. How can two people raised by the same parents evolve into having conflicting values?What started as a personal interest in level-one human behavior spiraled into a much deeper dive on cultural influence and gender roles. Combined with some of my own bizarre personal experiences, it’s safe to say the repression of certain types of emotional expression can have a very heavy impact on the quality of one’s emotional and mental wellbeing, and especially on their experiences in relationships (of any form).  It’s rather obvious to confirm how complex the human psyche is in how we relate to one another, but when we begin to bake in cultural conditioning, socioeconomic status, family upbringing, past traumas, and one’s own self-perception, we have a recipe for generations of continued polarity and conflict. 

Toxic masculinity and patriarchy in relation to Arab society continue to surface repeatedly because it is still deeply embedded in our relationship dynamics and core belief systems. The dangerous effects are evident and persistent, and we witnessed that more than ever this year. Although Arab masculinity is my angle, this can be applicable cross-culturally and towards patriarchy in general. As we’ve seen, 2020 statistically has shown an increase in divorce rates, domestic violence, loneliness, anxiety, and depression to name a few, and we still don’t know what to do about it. This is definitely not meant to demonize men but to gain a better and hopefully more useful understanding of where these generalized behaviors stem from – and why it’s detrimental to our evolution as a whole. The term toxic masculinity has increased in popularity when discussing patriarchy, inequality, and the psychological and societal breakdown of male behavior. The Journal of School Psychology defines toxic masculinity as;

“The constellation of socially regressive [masculine] traits that serve to foster domination, the devaluation of women, homophobia, and wanton violence.” 

In short, toxic masculinity is the suppression of any emotion that isn’t anger, strength, or dominance. When these traits are the overt focus, they result in aggression, lack of empathy, isolation, competitiveness, stonewalling, the need for control, and entitlement. I can almost guarantee that we have all experienced at least one of these traits with a male figure in our lives. 

Toxic masculinity and patriarchy in relation to Arab society continue to surface repeatedly because it is still deeply embedded in our relationship dynamics and core belief systems.

There is enough evidence that supports how men are shown to have higher rates of mental health illnesses, addiction, suicide, and reported acts of violence compared to women. This holds true in the MENA region as well, and there are explainable reasons for it. In most Middle Eastern cultures, we begin to witness at a very young age the difference in how boys and girls are treated and raised by their caretakers. Aside from the mere ‘accomplishment’ of being born male, and how that is considered a success in and of itself, there is oftentimes no secure and safe space for emotional expression. In other words, when boys begin to show emotion that is categorized as “feminine” they are told to stop, and when they express themselves in any form of rage or anger, they are not always stopped. On average, young boys and girls cry the same amount until about the age of 8, then boys are told to stop because it’s considered a sign of weakness. This teaches them at a pivotal developmental stage that self-expression and normal human emotions are unacceptable. And as many of us know, the repercussions of that type of conditioning manifest later on in life in their romantic relationships. Some common complaints could be that a partner is emotionally unavailable, shuts down, has anger issues, wants his partner to meet his needs instantaneously and without question, or that he contributes little to the partnership outside of finances. 

In Arab culture, addressing these issues can backfire because as women, we are trained to believe (generally speaking) that that’s all their partner is required to contribute. To be fair, some men who possess these traits likely don’t have the skills to communicate their feelings in a healthy way because they were never taught or it was repeatedly drilled into their minds that they shouldn’t display any form of vulnerability. If most of their lives, their needs were met without restriction layered with blatant favoritism and acts of service (usually by the mother-the female representative), then that’s the relationship they will base future relationships on. A combination of being glorified (again usually by the mother) for existing and reprimanded (usually by the father) when being “emotional” or not adhering to family expectations can lead to a chain reaction of abuse, anger, shutting down, or being controlling towards their partner. This is why a myriad of Middle Eastern women have the same type of grievances about their marriages and immediate family relationships. If we dig deep enough, it typically routes back to the original family dynamic and socially constructed roles we’re supposed to follow to appease our community. 

…I’ve learned the hard way that what works for me is to hold space and compassion for people who literally don’t know any other way. 

Personally speaking, I’ve learned the hard way that what works for me is to hold space and compassion for people who literally don’t know any other way. It doesn’t dismiss the impact the behavior has on me, but it is freeing to take a step back with an objective lens and know that a person who knows no other response but to shut down, numb through substance abuse, or lash out in aggression usually has little to zero self-awareness. There is also the dangerous realization that this potentially leads to a lifetime of suffering that only worsens with age if behaviors are not consistently addressed followed by action to change. Unlearning behavior is an ongoing and difficult process, especially with a community that resists change because they feel it threatens their identity. Despite the depressing facts and statistics I mentioned earlier, the average Arab man is still emotionally subdued starting at a very early age. I can’t imagine being in a position where I couldn’t speak (to anyone) of my darkest moments or my deepest pain but simultaneously believe I have a right to dominate and oppress my female counterparts. Also remember, these belief systems are mostly subconscious-which is why it’s oftentimes exhibited in abusive and self-destructive patterns. The amount of shame that could permeate within someone because of this will almost inevitably result in a breakdown, whether it’s towards oneself or others. As the famous Swiss psychiatrist and founder of Analytical Psychology, Carl Jung concluded: “What you resist not only persists but will grow in size.” The more someone hinders their inner truth and emotions, the more it will come out in unexpected and painful ways. Hence, an entire relatively new concept of how detrimental toxic masculinity is to our collective struggles and a contributing factor to the mental health crisis among men we’re currently facing.

I know some women may disagree with my guarded sympathy for a million reasons. Men are in the position of privilege, influence, power, and choice. It’s up to the ones that have adapted and learned to shift the status quo to create examples of healthier behavior, more balanced relationships, and change the definition of what it means to “be a man” in our society. While that is true and valid, and there are many positive examples in more diverse and modern cities, we have to keep in mind that addressing mental health issues is still extremely stigmatized in the Middle East, especially for men because it’s seen as a sign of weakness. What we can do is be the example by using the new tools we have to teach the next generation. It’s one way we can begin to topple patriarchy because it also elevates the equality of women.     

The inability to cultivate normal human emotions like sadness, insecurity, fear, or inadequacy is a proven detriment to the quality of one’s life and could cause an array of more serious illnesses down the line. Aside from the confusion between cultural and religious standards and expectations, one thing I will (hopefully) always try in my own small way to shed some light on is the dangerous disparity in the socially constructed roles men and women are presumed to follow. As much as we can argue that our challenges as women are far more profound, I don’t believe we can address one issue without understanding and contributing to the solution of the other. 

Originally appeared on MissMuslim.