The Decision That Never Comes Easy
For a very long time, I resented being labeled by society because one chapter in my life did not end at all the way I expected or wanted. The last thought on any person’s mind when experiencing turmoil in their marriage is what it’s going to feel like to be defined by a term that presumptuously announces one of your life’s most heartbreaking failures. I can almost guarantee that no one enters a marriage with the thought that this may not be forever. No one embarks on what should be this new and positive journey thinking, “If it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, I can just make a run for it.”
Every couple’s story is unique, and while you’ll hear most say that in retrospect they knew something wasn’t quite right from the start, it still doesn’t mean there was any initial intention to ever walk away without a fight. I still can’t fully understand why so many marriages seem to abruptly end. I don’t know what I could have done differently to ensure that mine didn’t fall apart, and it still pains me to see so many couples suffer through the heartache and distress I once felt. I could blame our outdated traditions that ban (or frown upon) openly dating without immediate intent to marry, but that would be too easy and a completely skewed pretense, especially since consistently high divorce rates are spread far and wide. The orthodox approach still proves successful for many “modern day” happy couples I know. They have mastered the ability to overcome the confusing challenges that are a result of the contradictions between preserving our customs and beliefs while adapting to a largely diverse, secular, and liberal present-day environment. This completely falsifies the stigmatized stereotype that we’re ALL pressured into these so-called arranged marriages and are sheltered and miserable because of it.
Compatibility doesn’t just mean you and your significant other like the same music and enjoy early morning mountain hiking.
There is no concrete indication that if you are someone who chose to meet your spouse through formal family connections and proceeded with an engagement shortly after or took the time to get to know that person first, that the marriage will be more likely to last. What I’ve learned is, you could have known the person for two months or two years prior to officiating the partnership, there is still no exact formula to preempt its potential demise. When in a serious relationship, we’re told over and over what qualities to look for in a partner, what battles are worth fighting, how crucial communication is and, of course, what sets the foundation of it all: love, respect, and honesty. I’m going to assume that most couples are mature enough to understand these basic concepts. It becomes complicated when you are blind-sided by the importance of all the other components in order to keep the wheels in your relationship turning. Compatibility doesn’t just mean you and your significant other like the same music and enjoy early morning mountain hiking. Compatibility goes far beyond attraction and chemistry. It is being able to understand and agree on deeper matters that ultimately define the quality of life you want to live with this ONEother person.
Accepting and, more importantly, embracing fundamental characteristics about each other will leave less room for surprises later. Factors like family history and values, religious beliefs, the significance of education, career and personal goals, the depth of their personal relationships with others (friends, parents, siblings, etc.), and their outlook on what their ideal future entails all play major roles in maintaining long-term compatibility. This is clearly a wide lens outlook, but diving any deeper would mean dissecting the details of every person’s distinct circumstances when they concluded that ending the marriage was the only and best option. The battle one undergoes to reach this decision is hard enough and the aftermath can be brutal. What I can conclude is that regardless of the reasons as to why or what happened, it’s never an easy, overnight decision.
Divorce is common, too common. We hear the statistics ALL the time. There is a 40 – 50% chance that a marriage will NOT last in the U.S. and I’m sure that everyone knows a handful of people who have battled with an unsuccessful marriage. For my own sake, along with many others, I’m relieved that it doesn’t hold the same negative and judgmental weight on someone’s character it once did. In fact, I was overwhelmed with the amount of support and reassurance I received from those around me at the time. However, just because someone’s situation may not be as dramatic, and just because the views on marriage have shifted, it still doesn’t minimize the level of hardship one faces.
I’ve noticed that sometimes there is this premise that if you were the one that decided to end the marriage, you don’t have a right to be upset and cope with it in your own way or if you weren’t the victim of infidelity or abuse, then your grounds to leave aren’t reasonable enough. As grateful as one should be for not having dealt with such extreme scenarios, it doesn’t negate that suddenly, a life you once knew is gone and it’s up to only you to rebuild it. There are interchanging phases of fear, excitement, anxiety, uncertainty, relief, guilt, and sadness that most experience for some time after. However, if one is certain they did everything in their power to mend the relationship, then enduring the roller coaster of emotions that comes post separation is worth it — knowing you were brave enough to take back ownership of your life and purpose.
Being able to rationally discuss my experience now proves that the darkness and apprehension eventually passes, and that it’s far enough in the past that my life now has become the new norm. It also goes to show that no matter whose “fault” it was or what the story was behind it, every person’s experience deserves to be treated with sensitivity.
Originally appeared on MissMuslim.