The Decision That Never Comes Easy: PART II
Missed PART I? Find it – here.
It still surprises me how infrequently it is we openly discuss and assess very commonly shared and significant issues facing our community. I’ve previously mentioned how being divorced in the Muslim/Arab/Middle Eastern society has become less taboo, more acceptable, and sometimes even empowering. However, acknowledging what it takes for someone to actually reach their breaking point was apparently not something we were emotionally prepared to evaluate. I was taken aback by the number of men and women who felt they couldn’t or shouldn’t be expressive about the whys and hows of their own experiences due to fear of preconceived judgment. This led me to think and overthink about why it is challenging for some to relate to another’s personal adversities.
Mostly, and this is based on my own interpretation, it’s because we don’t talk about the emotions behind our hardships. We’re not inclined to say out loud, “This made me feel…unhappy, unsatisfied, unfulfilled, unappreciated, sad, angry, resentful, helpless, etc.” Feelings make the situation too real. Feelings can possibly result in the consideration of others. Feelings create less opportunity to be criticized for your decisions. Regardless of someone’s current status, everyone has confronted highs and lows during any given stage in their life. With every low, you’re given the chance to learn the capacity of your own strength and perseverance. At the same time, you’re unknowingly evolving into a person who will now view someone else’s choices through a very different lens.
The humanity in all of us surfaces when we realize so many more people than we expect are capable of truly understanding the battles we’ve fought. It is irrespective of whether or not the sequence of events mirrors anything they’ve previously experienced. There is a refreshing sense of ease when we know we’re not alone in our conflicts. Sometimes all anyone needs to hear is, “I know how you feel. I know it can be pretty miserable, but it’s not the end of the world and it does not define you.”
Feelings create less opportunity to be criticized for your decisions.
Why is the simple, innate human attribute called empathy so underrated? You don’t need to be divorced to understand the challenges of a marriage or relationship. You don’t need to have children to understand both the struggles and rewards of parenthood. You don’t need to have grieved over a loved one to understand the suffering of loss. It took many pleasantly surprising instances (and some not so pleasant) with people, who range in background and age, for me to fully grasp the value of compassion. Maybe it was because this was one of the first times I was on the receiving end and so desperately needed it.
I recall one exchange I had with a woman who I looked up to for as long as I can remember. She is always so positive and uplifting every time I see her; an admirable activist and philanthropist, happily married for decades, mother to successfully functioning young adults, but, truthfully, doesn’t know much about me on a personal level. I ran into her at an event and she eagerly pulled me to the side, gave me a long sincere hug and said, “You are so brave. I know my generation’s mentality is to convince you to endure and accept, and things will get better. But, sometimes, walking away and ignoring all the criticism and opinions takes much more courage.”
Many of us know what it’s like to live within a tight-knit community where everyone knows everyone and there is probably a one-degree of separation, at most, among this culturally exclusive population. Because of the love and loyalty we have for our heritage and roots, we’ve gravitated towards each other, all compiled in the same vicinity geographically, and, unintentionally, created our own mini version of the Middle East in America. This bubble is amazing for so many reasons. There’s comfort and familiarity in it. It’s one of the reasons why we’re unusually passionate about our identities, and have, for generations, been able to effortlessly uphold traditional values, beliefs, and customs.
Almost everyone within this community knows who you are, knows your family (and extended family), and, most likely, where you work or go to school. Because of all the intertwined connections within this circle, it is safe to assume that the majority know most of your life story, and in more detail than the average acquaintance in your life. SO, when there’s any shift in the norm, whether it’s an achievement like a graduation, wedding, birth, new home, or business venture, the rest of the community will have knowledge of it before you even had the chance to absorb the effects of these major events. The same applies if the news is unfortunate like illness or death, an accident, family feuds, or – a divorce.
Living under this perpetual microscope adds a draining component to an already stressful situation. Instead of focusing on inner peace and the next steps to building a happier life, one is left worried about the whispers of everyone else. Making the honest effort to be more conscientious of the lengths it took for someone to make a life changing decision can be unquestionably helpful in their rehabilitation.
Have I been prone to be more open with those who also underwent similar tribulations? Absolutely. It’s therapeutic. Do I discredit those whose lives have no similarities to mine but made the effort to be sympathetic anyway? No way.They’re the reason I believe we have so much more potential as a community to judge less, listen more, and advance into a more open-minded society. The last thing anyone needs in the midst of any type of personal turmoil is to feel like they are the subject of tabloid news. Not only can this anxiety possibly alter someone’s ability to make rational decisions, it also slows down the healing process or prevents someone from removing themselves from a situation that isn’t right for them.
I wasn’t planning on elaborating on this subject. My initial hesitancy to open the door to this topic was partly because I did not want to mistakenly deliver some kind of pro-divorce, anti-union message. I am pro: living the life you believe you were meant to live, always working to reach your highest potential, and not feeling guilty that someone hasn’t been a driving force in helping you meet those needs. However, I felt compelled to continue the conversation because this is an ongoing developmental process for many as new experiences and perspectives come into play. I definitely do not have all the answers and don’t believe anyone that claims they do. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I’ll reiterate a few key points…
Every situation is unique; that doesn’t mean you can’t take as long or as little as you feel necessary to cope the way that suits you best (as long as you’re not being self-destructive). Additionally, not everyone is going to tell you what you want or need to hear. Keep an open-mind and let yourself be vulnerable anyway. When you naturally display what you’re feeling and thinking during a difficult time in your life, the judgment from others becomes less intimidating and essentially irrelevant. This will also give spectators a chance to associate with your emotions, which, in turn, can spread more consideration throughout the community before the struggles of the next person become “newsworthy.”
Originally appeared on MissMuslim.